EmTee

that i notice among the people i'm around during the day...jealousy...it's kinda funny...it's also kinda embarassing for me...like i'm seeing something that someone does't really want to show anyone...it's especially apperant in girls...jealousy 's a funny thing...i like to think i don't get jealous really...but that'd be a lie, actually the reason i'm writing this is because i was feeling it...it sucks...it's probably one of the worst feelings in the world...because i think to be jealous you have to understand that you're second best to someone else...i also think we aren't jealous of people...we're jealous of things of theirs we can't have...i think  it's also really hard to actually be jealous of items...my case is about being second to...pretty much everyone...i'm not jealous of the people they feel i'm second to, i'm jealous of the fact that they're being chosen by people i want...fuck this...i hate this shit...i really just wish all this shit would leave...i'm having a shitty time with this whole thing...everything has to be so fucking complicated...i understand as i get older, shit just gets harder because i have to deal with it like that, but FUCK THAT...i'm just bitching...i'm not in a bad mood or anything...i'm pretty much just bored i think...i really miss someone...i really want to meet someone else...i wish i could change my age and gender so i could punch someone else...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!...i love meeting people...i met someone yesterday...it's funny because i don't know her name...but i got her number...and i had a dream about her the next night...idk what the situation is tho...i don't really care...i don't actually feel like i need anyone...i kinda like being able to spread myself out among a few people...but, as with anything...there's only so much of me...and i can only stand being stretched so thin for so long...idk...i feel like there's something i can be angry about...i thinik those blogs are much more interesting...but anyway...i'm gonna go think about stuff...later dudes

 

-Shane

transverse radiance through flawlessly tangible instability, when all the children crawl into bed to rest their eyes, out i come into the world, relisher of cries. I sneak and creep and spy and peep and no one is the wiser. fuck that shit...i don't want to talk about crazy shit...i wanna talk to you people...how the fuck are you people? if there's one thing i've learned in my years it's that you can't get so caught up protecting the universe as a whole that you forget to remember the ones that make it worth fighting for...so i just want to extend myself in a friendly embrace as you read this...idk how many of my friends read this...it really doesn't matter tho...i'm sure ever strangers can take advantage of the friendly embrace...i'm not opposed to having a friend who's a complete stranger...but anyway...i'm having a fucked up week so far...many of the things i wanted to happen didn't...but it's not a big shock...i'm going to court tomorrow...they'll tell me how hard the rest of my life's gonna be...omg omg  it's 8:40...divide by too...anyway...there's a sliver of a chance i could just get off scott free...i'm trying for that actually...idk how it's gonna work out tho...i could care less by now...i just want the shit to be over with...it's such a bullshit lifestyle...i already have a problem with people telling me what to do...but when i get in deep shit for not following the rules i tend to follow them better for a while and then find a way around it when i feel i've been punished enough...just in case you're reading this,:FUCK YOU TROY. EAT A DICK YOU COCKSUCKING SHITHEAD...:)...now that thats out there...i think i can "go to bed" with a cleaner conscious..."nighty night"

 

 

-Shane

you know...the shit you do to me...all the fucking shit you put me through...like some kind of god damned test of my will to live...it's like you're actually trying to make me break down...and i don't think it's so you can build me back up...i don't think it's because there's a hidden attraction or desire that you can't find any other way of expressing...i don't think it's because i'm not right...it's not because i'm the best kind of wrong...i can't think of any good reason...my mind finds ways of justifying what you do...but these days my head and my heart are a little out of sync...it's frustrating...it's aggrievating...it's pointless...it's desanifying me...i can't look at you or think about you without a numberless slew of nameless emotions bombarding my head into quiet instability...i can hear the things i want you to say, playing over and over in my head...contrasting the things i actually hear...defying all that my other senses take in... ...now comes the part in which i explain why it doesn't really matter...which, i think i did a good enough job doing already...as if it wasn't obvious by the fact that it's here on my blog...where i always find a way to turn something that means so much to me into something i could care even less about...i wish i could always feel the way i looked...that could be kinda biased because i'm sure people notice changes in my looks as my mood changes...i know they do in fact...but (not to toot my own horn or anything) i do a great job of feeling incredible amounts of...something...and only letting a portion of it escape onto my visage...i like that word...as you can tell my thought train has run out of steam...i'll spare you the workings of my mind and get outta here...later

 

-Shane

do you think it's normal to fantasize about things you really don't like? i say fantasize because deep down i'm certain it's not really happening...but i can't stop playing what i think is happening, whatever is the worst thing at the time, in my head...it puts me in a really bad mood...it's not just with certain people...just about every time i'm alone i do it...i haven't been able to get on lately...i've had so much stuff to say...and now this shitty thing is all i have to say for 3 weeks of absense...i'm gonna go off on a new one i guess...like about if you have to ask me if i hate you...why i always have to lie...i'm glad i can't get ahold of you...i'm glad you're excited about someone new...because you're close to losing me...it's cool, i'm ready to get out of the shadow...i can't believe i waited for so long...fuck that...i've done the exact same thing everyother time too...the only thing i don't like so far is that i have to be an ass to get you away from me...i suppose i've got to learn sometime tho...i guess you'll be good practice...the sad thing is...that i never wanted to leave...

if i can't make myself not feel like shit...i can still do it for other people...i'm going to explode tho...maybe it'll just be a test of how long before it happens...i'll make sure not to hurt anyone i know... ...this is kinda scary...because i know it's going to happen...i've already accepted it...i guess there's nothing i want to do to stop it...i can't think of a reason not to tho...i think thats just as good...anyway...if you notice me acting normal...rejoice or something...fuck it...i feel like shit...i hate everything...fuck off world...

 

-Shane

i have alot of them...i feel really alone right now...it seems i'm just a burden to everyone...which sucks alot...i can't seem to get everything just right...i can't seem to find the one place i feel the best...i can't seem to make life worth all the bullshit...i haven't felt this much like shit since...i don't even think i've felt more like shit before...i feel like an animal...i felt like my friends had a better grasp on the situation, when they were behind me all the way...before i committed to it...then, with the fresh stain on my record, i was dropped into the mud...where i feel i still am...waiting for someone to pick me up and rinse me off...which isn't going to happen...i don't know why i'm typing this...i just feel like fucking everything up even more...sure its a bad idea...but those are the only ones i can seem to think of...why not just go with it? what the fuck is the point of all this bullshit anyway? who needs to see what will happen when i get pushed too far? is it some kind of test? am i on some kind of trial (no pun intended)? what happens when i fail? i cant take this shit...it's all becoming too much...i can't find a release...drugs don't work...drinking doesn't work...there's nothing to smoke...there's nothing to drink...there's nothing to pop...there's nothing to rail...there's nothing to shoot...that can make this any better...

 

i'm not writing this for you people...i don't care if you read it or not...i don't care if you want to help...i don't care if you want to hurt...i really just don't care...about anything...one good turn deserves another tho...deal with it...somehow...just another bad idea from shane

 

-S h  a   n    e

 

i didn't know how real the possiblity of hating a complete stranger was...but it's hit me full force nowadays...i hate him so much...i wanna do things to him that would make charles manson look like an alter boy...i want to burn and smash and tear and rip and cut and pry and break and pull and snap and destroy everything he's ever even touched...i can't...but i would love to...i wonder if it's possible that love could form from such an intense hate...it seems almost impossible...all the things he's done...and the shit he's said...after all of it...he still has such a tight grasp on you that you're too afraid to let go...as if no one would be there to catch you...like you don't trust me...or even anyone else...it's so frustrating...fuck that, it's depressing...to see someone like you with someone like him...i see that i'm second to that...and think of the best way to make it even worse...you're the cause of my demise...all the shit i've been through for you...it's all wasted...all the things i would and do do for you...mean nothing...all the time i spend with you, all the pain i get from you...all the signs that i'll never be good enough...everytime your lonely, i get the call that lets me know i'll be second forever, because when it's all gone for you...so are you...it's not fair...i deserve so much more than i ask...i give to everyone, anytime they need it...anytime at all...i ask for nothing...nothing of value...nothing of material worth...nothing you could think "oh fuck that, i pay for that shit and shane doesn't give me EVERYthing i want, so fuck that asshole" too...i don't understand my problem...perhaps it's just instinct...but flocking to the one who'll destroy you the fastest is hardly a form of primal logic...it's funny...almost like suicide...or an excuse for...

 

Fuck you if you want to go out like this, don't try to pretend that no one cares though, it's an insult to us all,

-Shane McBride